Talking is the most dangerous thing people do, and listening, the most infrequent. – Dr. Harville Hendrix
The Imago dialogue process between two people is truly magical and has unbelievable powers. The power lies in the fact that the structure makes it safe to talk with mutual respect. With structure, safety happens; and when safety happens, connection happens, and when connections happens, our love grows stronger.
There are 2 roles in a conversation, the speaker (they who are talking) and the sender (they who are listening). Both roles are important, and both roles need to happen in a conversation.
If you are the one starting the conversation, first...
Ask for an appointment
We’re all in our own heads at any given time, thinking about what we’re doing or what we need to do, etc. When you initiate a conversation, you are essentially interrupting whatever the other person is thinking or doing in that moment. No one likes being interrupted. You can simply as say: “I have something to talk about. Is now a good time? And respect the answer. It may be, or you may need to establish a good time to connect that works for both of you.
Establish who has what role first, you will both have a turn at both roles.
As the speaker you would….
Make eye contact
What you say is important, but HOW you say it will determine whether it’s received or rejected by another.
Speak in short sentences
Give your listener the gift of succinctness. It feels overwhelming to have someone spew long, rambling concepts at you without giving you a chance to process what’s being said or to respond in any way. If you keep your sentences short and clear the other person will understand you better and will be far less likely to be triggered by what you say.
Use I-language
Speak in terms of what YOU want rather than telling the other person what NOT to do. You don’t like being told what or what not to do, and neither do they. It’s as simple as saying: “ I feel…, I need...I appreciate it when…”
As the sender /listener you would….
Be fully present.
Often when someone is talking to us, we are distracted by other things or we’re thinking about how we’ll respond. We listen partially, digesting only the information that pertains to us and how it makes us feel, rather than mindfully taking in the entire message.
Conscious listening happens when we clear our mind of preconceived ideas and remain open, curious, and non-judgmental. We give the gift of empathic patience and the space needed for the speaker to articulate their thoughts and feelings. It shows them you’re willing to step into their world and see their perspective.
Make eye contact
Show you are fully attentive, always keep eye contact with the speaker.
Send by repeating or mirroring
Mirroring in this case is just that – saying back to the speaker what they said to you. You can either c paraphrase or exact words. The act of mirroring helps us listen deeply to the other person and accurately reflect the “content” of the message. It also gives the speaker a second chance to listen to their own words back.
Sometimes what we say isn’t exactly what we mean; having someone repeat back to us our exact words allow us to make corrections if needed.
And then you switch roles, remembering a conversation is a 2way street, each person needs to have a say, and each person needs to be heard.
These steps can get you started but we can help in a deeper way.
CONTACT US for the complete guide to a full imago dialogue process.
You can experience this dialogue at our Getting The Love You Want Workshops
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