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  • Can you “change” your partner? Do you really want to?

    After so many years, we become self-appointed “experts” on our partners.  Some of our “spouse-ologist” duties include finishing their sentences, talking over them because we already know what they’re going to say, and being absolutely certain about their intentions and motivations.  I used to excel  at this.   After so many years, we become self-appointed “experts” on our partners.  Some of our “spouse-ologist” duties include finishing their sentences, talking over them because we already know what they’re going to say, and being absolutely certain about their intentions and motivations.  I used to excel  at this.  No one knew my partner better than I did…not even her!  I was able to tell her precisely what she was thinking; mostly before she even thought it!  It was amazing; I was able to tell her exactly why she was reacting in a certain way and even how she wanted me to react.  Now, I can’t remember when or how I developed these superhuman abilities, all I know is that the more I honed them, the less satisfying my relationship became.  Could it be that my partner actually had thoughts and feelings that I didn’t know ?  Was it possible that all of these things I so surely “knew” came from somewhere within myself ?  This was a scary thought.  If Lara wasn’t who I’d decided that she was, who could she possibly be? The answer was both exhilarating and terrifying.  Lara was precisely and exactly the person I’d fallen in love with so many years ago.  When we met, I wanted to know everything; I couldn’t get enough.  Just like the early days of your relationship, ours was filled with bliss.  There was a hunger to know and feel and understand each other.  Somewhere along the line, though, my old “survival-minded” brain decided that the initial sexy, exciting mysteriousness might be a little dangerous.  If there were things I didn’t know, there were things I couldn’t control. The separateness and “otherness” that was so attractive became a source of fear.  Because we humans generally shun fear-inducing things, I started to discount her otherness.  It was easy; Lara became an extension of  me .  As far as I was concerned, my thoughts, desires, likes and dislikes were hers too.  When she had a desire or made a choice that didn’t agree with my preconceived ideas, it felt like an assault on our “togetherness”.  Now, none of this was a choice.  I didn’t wake up next to her one morning and think, “this lovely person would very much like to become a little branch of me and everything I believe. I’ll start projecting all of my own feelings and fears onto her in an effort to avoid accepting that she is her own human and could conceivably leave me at any time.”  That would be ridiculous and more than a little weird.  As I started to gain some awareness of my fears, I also began to re-imagine Lara as the woman I’d fallen in love with so many years ago.  Instead of tantruming when she wanted to go to an art show instead of watching Forensic Files at home, I took a breath and remembered “she is not me”.  The more I was able to do this, the stronger our connection became.  I no longer saw her happy hours with friends as a selfish and immature indulgence.  It was Lara’s charisma and outgoing nature that attracted me to her; I had been smothering that with my fears.  I’d become threatened by the very things I loved the most about her.  As she was able to spend more time filling her charismatic cup, she came back to life, and so did our relationship.  Of course it wasn’t this simple and there was a lot of work involved, but hopefully you get the idea.  Stay tuned for more on how our own defenses block our true nature.  Until then, remember, if you can stay conscious, curious, and compassionate, you can stay connected! Book a 15-min call to connect with Megan. #stayconnected #getcurious

  • How to stay positive when all you see is red.

    Mike, a client, was in my office last week and we were talking about the negativity bias that we humans have; the hardwired part of our brain that seems to seek out  the negative.  He mentioned that when he’s driving, he notices and reacts to every red light.  Mike laughed while talking about his brother-in-law who becomes furious and counts the red lights that slow him down.  He stopped for a minute and then asked, “Do you ever wonder why we don’t get as excited about green lights as we get pissed about red lights?  I mean, if every time we hit a green light we got thankful and happy wouldn’t it be awesome?”  Absolutely, Mike!  As a matter of fact, I think Matthew McConeghy wrote a book about something like that.  So if Mike sees it, and Matthew sees it, I’m sure you’ve noticed it too.  We are programmed to be on the lookout for negative events because to the still-“caveperson”ish part of our brain, negativity equals danger.  That old part of our brain exists solely to keep us alive.  Positive, fluffy, happy things are rarely out to kill us (unless you get them wet or feed them after midnight*).  We don’t need  to be on the lookout for those things, so our brains don’t immediately react to them.  We’re hardwired to keep an eye out for danger.  The problem with the old brain is that it’s not very smart.  It can't tell the difference between physical and emotional danger or between the present and the past.  As you’ve probably noticed, this can wreak havoc in our lives. Energy follows attention, so when our attention is focused (however unconsciously) on negative events, thoughts, and emotions, we create a painful environment for ourselves. If this is all automatic, is there anything we can do about it or are we doomed to live under a black cloud of negativity?  This is where the news gets a little brighter.  All of us have the ability (or at the very least are capable of learning) to override this natural inclination.  Remember that this drive toward negative events and thoughts is rooted in fear and survival.  Knowing this and understanding some basic brain physiology, we can map out a plan to get back in the driver’s seat.  Earlier, we mentioned the “old part” of our brain.  In Imago, we call the brainstem and its associated parts the “old brain” because it is indeed very old.  It’s the part of our brain from which everything else evolved.  The brain stem’s sole purpose is to keep us alive.  It controls all of our automatic bodily functions like our breathing and heartbeat.  The brainstem is also where survival instincts are found so it’s really, really good at detecting danger.  The brainstem connects to our limbic system. This is the part of our brain that is linked to emotion, memory, motivation, and the old favorite; the fight or flight reaction.  When our brain stem senses a threat, it’s our limbic system that interprets it.  The limbic system remembers that a red light once caused us to be late, get a ticket, or have an accident and immediately triggers the hormones that lead us to our reactions.  Before we know it our blood pressure is up, we’ve got a headache, and we’re ruminating about every red light coming up on the way to work.  Obviously, we can’t continually exist in this state.  We all know how detrimental chronic stress is to our emotional and physical health.  Luckily, there’s a built- in antidote to the negativity problem.  Lots of other animals have a brainstem and limbic system similar to the human brain; but what they don’t  share is the most highly developed part of our brain.  This part; the ventrolateral frontal cortex, is located right behind our forehead in the frontal lobe.  This part of our brain was pinpointed by Oxford scientists less than a decade ago!  It’s this area that we rely on to counteract our more primal impulses.  It allows us to plan for the future, make complex decisions, and be flexible in our approach to problematic situations.  This is the area of the brain we need to activate to counteract the instincts of our older brain.  In our moments of greatest awareness, we are able to call on our higher brain to recognize  and modulate the “drama” of the brainstem and limbic system.  It’s what allows us to say, “The 2 minutes I spend at this red light will have virtually no impact on the rest of my day and it gives me a chance to take a nice long drink of my coffee!” In order to take full advantage of the frontal cortex, we need to exercise and strengthen it.  We can do this through word games (the Wordle craze is a great example), gratitude practices, meditation, learning a new skill, and intentional positive thinking.  Healthy eating and sleeping habits don’t hurt either.  Next time you hit a red light, take a slow deep breath and a long drink of that skinny (or full fat extra shot) latte and focus on the here and now.  More importantly, next time you make the elusive green light, celebrate your win!  It’s the little things that get us through; don’t let them go unnoticed! Next blog we’ll talk more about our brain’s reactions to perceived danger and how this wreaks havoc in our relationships.  Remember; consciousness, curiosity and compassion will lead you to connection every time! Book a 15-min call to connect with Megan. #stayconnected #getcurious

  • Romantic Love–Power Struggle

    Ahhh…Romantic love!  It sells millions of roses, cards, bottles of wine, and sexy underwear :)  What else do you think of? Being barefoot in the Park? Making love under the soft glow of the moon  on a balmy tropical beach?  Whatever it is…Romantic love means something different to all of us; it’s totally personal, just like that sexy underwear :)  What we all experience though are these three things; Relaxed joyfulness, full aliveness, and flowing energy. These three things…we’ve experienced them before-but when?  Think about it…before we were born, we lived in a perfect environment where these states fully existed.  So, since we experienced those states before we were exposed to the artificial world, they must BE our natural state, or at least part of it, right? Whatever it is…Romantic love means something different to all of us; it’s totally personal, just like that sexy underwear :)  What we all experience though are these three things; Relaxed joyfulness, full aliveness, and flowing energy. These three things…we’ve experienced them before-but when?  Think about it…before we were born, we lived in a perfect environment where these states fully existed.  So, since we experienced those states before we were exposed to the artificial world, they must BE our natural state, or at least part of it, right?   So what does any of that  have to do with romantic love?   How could a person we’ve only known for a few days possibly create these feelings in us and make us feel so good??    There are lots of explanations, but the one that makes the most sense to me is the Imago Relationship Theory.  In a tiny inadequate nutshell, we believe that we all have an image (or Imago because latin is fancier) of what love looks like.  Now I know next to nothing about neuroscience, but I do know that human beings are pattern monkeys.  We are drawn to the familiar regardless of merit.  The familiar-the known is always safer than the unknown and our old cavepeople brains yank us toward it every time.    So we’re born-literally ripped from that place of what…? Relaxed joyfulness, full aliveness, and flowing energy.  We’re handed to our parents and we immediately (hopefully anyway)  learn the first thing about love and relationships.  Connection equals survival.  We’re not giraffes or horsies that can walk 12 minutes after they’re born.  It’s years and years before we’re physically self-sufficient, so we’re absolutely dependent on these bigger people that we usually call mom and dad…(caregivers can be anyone)  Whoever it is, they are imprinting on our baby brain.  When a baby zebra is born, the mother walks in circles around the baby until that baby recognizes it’s mother’s stripes.  In this same way, we internalize everything we’re surrounded by.  If our parents were loving and attentive, we learn that the object of our attachment should be loving and attentive.  Maybe mom was really anxious and depressed and couldn’t quite attune to us…what do we learn about relationship then?  We’ve all known people, maybe we’re even some of those people who grew up with an alcoholic, addicted, or otherwise abusive parent.  It’s almost surreal to watch this person (or ourselves) be inexplicably drawn toward the same type of person in romantic relationships.  Now, we’re not saying to ourselves, “WOW! This very attractive human who is an alcoholic (or addict or abusive) is JUST like my dad (who was also an addict or an alcoholic or abusive), I would just LOVE to relive all of that!  Or maybe, “the way she makes me coffee in the morning creates the same kind of safety I felt when my grandma cooked me pancakes in the morning.”  Ridiculous, right?  This is all happening on an unconscious, energetic level.  Other than that, I don’t have any explanation for you.  All we need to know is that it happens, because you remember that we’re drawn to the familiar whether it’s good or bad.    So while we’re thinking that the romantic pull is because this person is so hot, or self assured or funny, it’s really because that Imago imprint that we’re carrying around is starting to make itself known.  In your brain is a really powerful imago detector that has spotted familiar love.  When you meet this person, the imago detector alerts your little self inside and your subconscious is yelling “Mom! Dad!I'm home!!!” How many times do we hear romantic love being described as “coming home” or “feeling like you’ve known each other a million years?” This is why.  So assuming that the other person is attracted to you, too, the magic starts to happen.   (the magic could happen anyway, but that’s called stalking and it’s a felony).  Once we hook up, that’s when those mystical hormones start to kick in.  Oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin and others create this amazing cocktail.  It floods our bloodstream and makes us feel amazing.  We feel so good and because these feelings corresponded to meeting this person and because our brains love patterns, we attribute the feelings of amazingness to our new person and all of our defenses drop.  We can be vulnerable and open and when we’re vulnerable and open, we feel alive.  So that experience of music being sweeter and colors being brighter, sure it comes from being in love, but it can’t possibly be that we’re in love with the other person because remember, we’ve only known them a few days…we’re in love with BEING ALIVE.    Now with all of this being said, I want you to deeply and truly hear me; those feelings of romantic love are NOT an illusion or just “chemicals” or “just a phase”.  That is who we are at our CORE, when we put down all of our defenses and our protective behaviors.  It’s what we feel when we are the genuine and authentic person we were always meant to be.  Our NATURAL STATE   So what the hell happens then?  Why Is my office full of desperate couples  if love and relationships feel SO good?  Well, those chemicals can’t keep up that rush forever.  Our bodies can’t naturally up the dose, so we “crash”. That’s only part of it though.  Since we stop feeling all of those wonderful ooey gooey feelings, it doesn’t feel as safe to be so open and our hearts start to put their armor back on.  Now this is happening with both partners, but we’re not talking about it, are we?  Nope, we’re just assuming that this is the way relationships go.  Romance and then comfort and then commitment and then complacency and then boredom.  Ugh.  Awful, right? But if we understand what’s happening, it doesn’t have to be this way!  See, once we get comfortable with each other, we usually decide it’s time to do what?..COMMITT! That’s right.    We make promises and move in together and poop in front of each other and all of a sudden the hot sexy answer to all of our prayers is just somebody who leaves their dirty underwear on the floor and forgets about Thursday night’s dinner plans.  All of those wonderful qualities that were so exciting and even mysterious start to bother the hell out of us.  I worked with a couple a few years ago.  Wonderful people, one was a sweet little guy with a messy man bun who played the acoustic guitar and spent ten years living out of a backpack in a van.  He’d traveled the world, and just worked odd jobs, even though he had a graduate degree in some philosophical thing.    He met a girl in undergrad and they fell madly in love.  She was studying something called actuarial science. (I had to look it up).  She was interested in financial analysis and risk management and statistics and other dirty words like that.  She was steady, consistent, and rock solid.  She’d grown up in the same house, her parents were still married and they had pretty high expectations of her.  He was born to a mom named Rainbow and wasn’t sure who his dad was.  He liked to say that what he couldn’t have in fatherly quality, he had in quantity.  They lived in tents and RVs.  He remembered having a great time as a kid, never thinking anything about the way he grew up.  So when they met, they were drawn to the lost parts of themselves that were shining so bright in the other.  She thought he was adventurous and free, kind, and sensitive.  She loved his spirit and softness.  To him, she was consistent and reliable.  She knew where she was going and what she wanted.  They were so happy right up until they weren’t.  Well, right up until they got married, anyway.  There’s nothing like a little commitment to kick start the power struggle! Once we’re committed, we’re more connected.  We forget the fact that we are two different people! Suddenly those things that looked so interesting and attractive to us look a little off.  Our old “Parent Police” show up and instead of learning and growing from our partner’s wonderful differences, we behave like judgmental parents and start shaming, blaming, and criticizing them.  For the couple we’re talking about, the struggle sounded like, “You’re so irresponsible!  Can’t you just get a job? Why are you SO sensitive?” and for his part, sounded like, “You are so boring!  It’s like living with a rock–there’s no emotion; no excitement!”  Lara and I did this at the beginning, too.  (quick story/recap) We didn’t realize that we needed each other to live our way into our lost parts. In my own relationship,  I needed to learn that sometimes, it was ok to put on pants and leave the house after 8 pm.  Lara’s lost part was her ability to be alone, to get over that fear of missing something social…to understand that if she wasn’t a part of everything, she wouldn’t cease to exist.  Make sense?   This is where it starts to happen.  (Shock (Denial), Anger, Bargaining, Despair)  What do these words kind of remind you of?  That’s right…Grief.  When we lose something important to us, we grieve.  When we feel like we’re losing SOMEONE, we really grieve.  It’s like our entire idea of who this person was is dying.  When we start to acknowledge that this is happening, we get pissed off and we get pissed, we get desperate.  So not only are we irrationally mad at our partners, we’re also desperate to get what we want back.  Since we’re angry, irrational, and desperate, we tend to act like crazy people.  We think that if we use power tactics and play “parent”, they’ll get back in line.  So, not that any of you would do this, but IF you were to imagine yourself getting angry and desperate enough to behave really poorly, what would it look like? For instance, if I were (and I’m not saying I ever have) to resort to power tactics, I’d probably be really condescending and nasty.  I might consider a little sarcasm, too.  Wouldn’t that be awful for poor Lara? Who, incidentally, would probably be completely ignoring me until she snapped and yelled.  Think about your own stuff—if you were going to choose to be monstrous-how would you behave (or just ask your partner.  I promise they know)   Well this all makes no sense at all.  We want something from someone so we scream, yell, pout, tantrum, shut down, roll our eyes.  First of all, what does this sound like?  Who tends to behave this way?  (CHILDREN) So now it starts to make a little sense.  If we’re trying to get unmet needs met and complete the growing up process, we’ll use the same or similar tactics that we used as kids.  When the tantrums stop working, we might try the slightly more grown up bargaining…remember as a kid…”Please let me stay up late tonight and I promise to go to bed early tomorrow!” Well this tactic wound up as the primary method of couple’s counseling for years (still is, really).  The problem with a transactional approach like this is that we’re constantly keeping score.  It’s way too easy for one of us to feel cheated and very easy to see how the power struggle ends up in full on misery mode.  So here we are in the middle of despair; living every day with this other person who was supposed to really “get us” and who is most likely feeling pretty miserable themselves.  The problem is, we don’t know how to talk about it and when we’re in the middle of the power struggle, we don’t see the gold in each other.  We only see the conflict, the fighting, and the anger.  So what do we do? Usually one of three things.  We throw in the towel and leave (probably heading on to another relationship where we find ourselves in exactly the same spot).  We might stay in the relationship, but shut down, close off and live in cold, silent loneliness. This makes sure they won’t ever be hurt again. And some others will stay in the relationship, but protect themselves with hostility; fighting forever. Thank goodness there’s another option–we have the capacity to build a conscious and mature love.    It’s not as sexy as underwear or a night under the stars, but it can give us half a chance at getting that back.  Hidden inside all of our frustrations with each other, we hold the blueprint for each others’ healing.  We can be whole and THAT is the gold in the power struggle.  We can help with the power struggle, book a 15-min call to learn more. Find out more about the GTLYW workshop #couplesweekend #GTLYW

  • Learn to Eliminate Negativity and Step into a Safe Space.

    In our therapy sessions and workshops, we often speak of a “safe space” and the importance of it. To understand and create that space, you need to understand what can quickly disrupt it…negativity. But what exactly is negativity? How do we know we are being negative? The MacMillan Dictionary defines negativity as “the attitude of seeing only bad aspects.” Negativity is any thought, word, or deed that rejects another because of their difference or “uniqueness.” It is an expression that a person experiences as a “put down” that makes them feel unsafe and anxious. In other words, if whoever you’re in conversation with perceives it as negative, it’s negative! Even if in that moment you did not intend it to be negative. Words or actions that feel negative to others can inflict emotional injury. Though you may see them as sarcasm or humor, the person who experiences them negatively feels them as abuse. If you find yourself saying, “Can’t you take a joke?” or, “I was only kidding,” or “I’m just offering constructive criticism,” chances are you are inadvertently hurting that person and the relationship. We are usually unaware of how another may interpret our comments as negative. Suggestions, or constructive criticism we offer with good intentions may feel critical and negative to others. Certain words, a tone of voice, or even an eye roll may all be perceived as communications of criticism, shame, blame, or judgment. Whether intentional or accidental, these communications may land as negative. When a negative exchange occurs, safety is compromised, a connection is nearly impossible, and our defenses go up. Negativity arouses anxiety in a person; feeling unsafe, they subconsciously begin to anticipate terrible outcomes, and they withdraw or react to protect themselves. This negative energy blocks any meaningful communication that may have taken place, making it impossible to effectively address whatever you needed to talk about in the first place. In addition to being ineffective, negativity is emotionally harmful, both to the person who perceives it as negative and to the relationship. Left unresolved, negativity permeates and can destroy all our relationships. That’s the bad news; the good news is that you can minimize negativity enough to allow safety to flourish and connection to deepen in all your relationships. Our brain is wired with a bias toward negativity - always on the lookout for danger so it can keep us safe. You can’t eliminate negativity altogether, but you have the power to stop it. Everyone wants to feel connected, accepted and loved. Even though some may say they don’t, it’s our natural human desire and instinct to feel joy. We are all separate individuals with wishes and needs different from each other’s. Accepting these differences is essential to removing negativity. When you are aware of it, and have built the necessary skills, you can drastically reduce negativity in all its forms from your life and your relationships. Now that we know what negativity is, let’s look at a safe space. It is not something you can see, or step into, it is a conditional space that you created where you can communicate, get curious, empathetically listen and ultimately connect in a deeper way. Our brain craves order and security.  It perceives “safety” as the absence of perceived danger or the potential for danger. Our brains process negativity as a warning sign of impending danger.  To reassure our brains that we are safe, we must create situations that don’t “feel” dangerous. We can create a safe space by establishing healthy boundaries, being clear about our non-negotiables, and reducing negativity. These parameters tell our brain that no harm will come to us here. Once our brain understands that it relaxes and opens our minds and hearts to allow us to compassionately connect. Creating a safe space also includes the willingness and ability to communicate in a structured way. Read about Imago Dialogue We have control over ONLY ourselves and the space we create. The people in our lives and situations are going to act as they will, we can’t change them. But using what you know today, and the tools we acquire from Imago Therapy we can create a safe space in any situation or conversation. Discover more, register for our workshops, or contact Meagan to learn about 30 days to Zero Negativity. #couplesweekend #GTLYW

  • How To Have That Difficult Conversation.

    Talking is the most dangerous thing people do, and listening, the most infrequent. – Dr. Harville Hendrix The Imago dialogue process between two people is truly magical and has unbelievable powers. The power lies in the fact that the structure makes it safe to talk with mutual respect. With structure, safety happens; and when safety happens, connection happens, and when connections happens, our love grows stronger. There are 2 roles in a conversation, the speaker (they who are talking) and the sender (they who are listening). Both roles are important, and both roles need to happen in a conversation. If you are the one starting the conversation, first... Ask for an appointment We’re all in our own heads at any given time, thinking about what we’re doing or what we need to do, etc.  When you initiate a conversation, you are essentially interrupting whatever the other person is thinking or doing in that moment. No one likes being interrupted. You can simply as say: “I have something to talk about. Is now a good time? And respect the answer. It may be, or you may need to establish a good time to connect that works for both of you. Establish who has what role first, you will both have a turn at both roles. As the speaker you would…. Make eye contact What you say is important, but HOW you say it will determine whether it’s received or rejected by another. Speak in short sentences Give your listener the gift of succinctness. It feels overwhelming to have someone spew long, rambling concepts at you without giving you a chance to process what’s being said or to respond in any way. If you keep your sentences short and clear the other person will understand you better and will be far less likely to be triggered by what you say. Use I-language Speak in terms of what YOU want rather than telling the other person what NOT to do. You don’t like being told what or what not to do, and neither do they. It’s as simple as saying: “ I feel…, I need...I appreciate it when…” As the sender /listener you would…. Be fully present. Often when someone is talking to us, we are distracted by other things or we’re thinking about how we’ll respond. We listen partially, digesting only the information that pertains to us and how it makes us feel, rather than mindfully taking in the entire message. Conscious listening happens when we clear our mind of preconceived ideas and remain open, curious, and non-judgmental. We give the gift of empathic patience and the space needed for the speaker to articulate their thoughts and feelings. It shows them you’re willing to step into their world and see their perspective. Make eye contact Show you are fully attentive, always keep eye contact with the speaker. Send by repeating or mirroring Mirroring in this case is just that – saying back to the speaker what they said to you. You can either c paraphrase or exact words. The act of mirroring helps us listen deeply to the other person and accurately reflect the “content” of the message. It also gives the speaker a second chance to listen to their own words back. Sometimes what we say isn’t exactly what we mean; having someone repeat back to us our exact words allow us to make corrections if needed. And then you switch roles, remembering a conversation is a 2way street, each person needs to have a say, and each person needs to be heard. These steps can get you started but we can help in a deeper way. CONTACT US for the complete guide to a full imago dialogue process. You can experience this dialogue at our Getting The Love You Want Workshops #imagotherapy #GTLYW #imagodialogue

  • PATTERNS, PATTERNS, PATTERNS!

    Whether it’s our romantic relationship, at work, friends, or the relationship we have with ourselves, our relationships have patterns and phases, and recognizing them is the key to keeping them healthy and lasting. Romance The first phase in any relationship is romance. In this case, “romance” simply refers to the newness and novelty of a relationship - the intrigue of the beginning of something new. The relationship could be: starting a new business dating someone new getting a new job making a new friend The romance phase is where our new relationship ignites passion, love, excitement and complete desire. Everything is wonderful, fireworks are ignited, bells are ringing, everything just feels right and perfect with the world. Your level of excitement and positive energy is through the roof! Let’s go!! Commitment We inevitably take these new relationships to the next level when we introduce commitment. Committing to more time building your new business …which may lead to a conflict between time spent at home versus time spent on work Committing to moving in with someone…may lead to a conflict around personal space and boundaries Committing to more responsibility at your new job…may lead to a conflict with co-worker. Committing to activities with new friends….may lead to conflict around personal insecurities, stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things. Are you seeing the pattern here?  Commitment leads to conflict.  The deeper the commitment, the more intense the conflict may become; it’s inevitable. This is where things start to get a little messy, the shiny newness is wearing off, and the conflict is becoming a real struggle. Power Struggle As we settle into our new roles within our commitments of these relationships the conflicts start to intensify. This creates a need for us to “know where we stand'' in this relationship; to exert ourselves as either the leader or the follower in the struggle for power. You start to question the relationship: Did I make the right choice starting this business? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Should I have accepted this position, is this a company I want to work for? Is this new friendship really something I want in my life? If you make it to this point in your relationship, you’re struggling to make it work, frustrated, and hurt in the process, or you’re blaming the other person, or situation, and expecting things to change to suit you…because, why should you change? You may: Get a divorce Live unhappy and just ignore the problem Decide your business plan was a bad idea and give up Break up Quit a job, or go to work every day miserable Ghost your new friend Never try another new activity So now what? All relationships follow these stages, how we handle them, and the repeated patterns they create, depends on our level of self-awareness, our habitual behaviors formed by past challenges, and the degree to which we are willing to BE THE CHANGE we want to see. These conflicts we experience cloud our vision, this relationship is actually on the cusp of greatness, you have the tools to make it work,  don’t ignore this wonderful opportunity for what it is….growth! Conflict is growth trying to happen. Without conflict, there is no change, and without change there can be no growth. When we can see that all this conflict is actually an invisible gift, the gift of progress, we can shift our perception and choose to lean into the conflict with compassion and curiosity. Becoming aware of these patterns and how they impact our lives is the first step on your journey to more fulfilling, connected, and productive relationships.  If we don’t work through the conflict and accept the inevitable changes, we never make it to the sweet spot of relational success!  Instead, Don’t quit the relationship just as you’re getting to the good part!  Stick with the process, stay on the path, the next time you see a pattern starting to play out, relax and remember your imago tools. We can help with the power struggle, book a 15-min call to learn more. Find out more about the GTLYW workshop #couplesweekend #GTLYW

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