Whether it’s our romantic relationship, at work, friends, or the relationship we have with ourselves, our relationships have patterns and phases, and recognizing them is the key to keeping them healthy and lasting.
Romance
The first phase in any relationship is romance. In this case, “romance” simply refers to the newness and novelty of a relationship - the intrigue of the beginning of something new. The relationship could be:
starting a new business
dating someone new
getting a new job
making a new friend
The romance phase is where our new relationship ignites passion, love, excitement and complete desire. Everything is wonderful, fireworks are ignited, bells are ringing, everything just feels right and perfect with the world. Your level of excitement and positive energy is through the roof! Let’s go!!
Commitment
We inevitably take these new relationships to the next level when we introduce commitment.
Committing to more time building your new business …which may lead to a conflict between time spent at home versus time spent on work
Committing to moving in with someone…may lead to a conflict around personal space and boundaries
Committing to more responsibility at your new job…may lead to a conflict with co-worker.
Committing to activities with new friends….may lead to conflict around personal insecurities, stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things.
Are you seeing the pattern here? Commitment leads to conflict. The deeper the commitment, the more intense the conflict may become; it’s inevitable.
This is where things start to get a little messy, the shiny newness is wearing off, and the conflict is becoming a real struggle.
Power Struggle
As we settle into our new roles within our commitments of these relationships the conflicts start to intensify. This creates a need for us to “know where we stand'' in this relationship; to exert ourselves as either the leader or the follower in the struggle for power.
You start to question the relationship:
Did I make the right choice starting this business?
Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person?
Should I have accepted this position, is this a company I want to work for?
Is this new friendship really something I want in my life?
If you make it to this point in your relationship, you’re struggling to make it work, frustrated, and hurt in the process, or you’re blaming the other person, or situation, and expecting things to change to suit you…because, why should you change?
You may:
Get a divorce
Live unhappy and just ignore the problem
Decide your business plan was a bad idea and give up
Break up
Quit a job, or go to work every day miserable
Ghost your new friend
Never try another new activity
So now what?
All relationships follow these stages, how we handle them, and the repeated patterns they create, depends on our level of self-awareness, our habitual behaviors formed by past challenges, and the degree to which we are willing to BE THE CHANGE we want to see.
These conflicts we experience cloud our vision, this relationship is actually on the cusp of greatness, you have the tools to make it work, don’t ignore this wonderful opportunity for what it is….growth!
Conflict is growth trying to happen. Without conflict, there is no change, and without change there can be no growth.
When we can see that all this conflict is actually an invisible gift, the gift of progress, we can shift our perception and choose to lean into the conflict with compassion and curiosity.
Becoming aware of these patterns and how they impact our lives is the first step on your journey to more fulfilling, connected, and productive relationships. If we don’t work through the conflict and accept the inevitable changes, we never make it to the sweet spot of relational success! Instead,
Don’t quit the relationship just as you’re getting to the good part! Stick with the process, stay on the path, the next time you see a pattern starting to play out, relax and remember your imago tools.
We can help with the power struggle, book a 15-min call to learn more.
Find out more about the GTLYW workshop
Comments